This ought to be short.
Here's a list of things that I've desperately wanted to say to my children at some point, but bit my tongue at the very last second in hopes of not ruining their lives.
After being nudged awake at 3 AM and told about a funny joke Miss Piggy just said on TV:
"Go to sleep, you fucking asshole. It's 3 AM? Who watches the Muppets at 3 AM? Are you a stoner? Does weed come in baby size? Go the holy fucking fuck to sleep! Holy shit, go to sleep!!! Go to sleep!!! Who has been giving you drugs?!"
After their very first trip to Sunday School and being told that Jesus died for their sins:
"Daddy's watching football, baby. Jesus may have died for your sins, but Daddy damn near kills himself working 60 hours a week to put food on the table, so let me watch the game, okay? Since Jesus loves you so much, see if he'll change your sister's diaper for me."
After the toddler-based proselytizing doesn't stop:
"Hey. All that shit is made up. When you die, you just turn to dust. Now, seriously... the fucking game? Can I? Thank you."
During dinner:
"Look, I know you're just having fun and shit, but I'm going to level with you. If you throw one more fucking piece of spaghetti at me, I'm going to punch you in the face. Hard too - like I'd punch a grown man. I've been wanting to punch you in the face for years, by the way, so... don't tempt me."
Sorry. Had to get that out.
5 comments:
Yeah. Since my kid is still preverbal...I haven't held my tongue. "Mama is going to drop kick you across the fucking room if you don't stop whining at me, you asshole. Quit being a jerkoff and maybe I'll feed you today."
Jebus help me when he learns how to repeat. You're a better man than I. Your daughters are unbelievably lucky you have the restraint you do.
Ok, weird. We posted messed up kid-related stuff at exactly the same time.
Oh lordy- how true, Maine! Go the holy fucking fuck to sleep! A thought in my own head many many MANY times.
Ahh, I remember those days. Now with mine being 10, I have my own set of different problems. Gotta love 'em!
I'm very glad that I am not the only one that has these feelings for babies.
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