Progress Back To Free Around

I don't know if you've been following this current presidential election, but something about it really bothers me. 

It's not the tone. It's not the millions of dollars spent on advertising when, hey, I'm pretty broke these days. It's not even the reminder that 50% of Americans are retarded, regardless of who they support.

It's the loss of the word 'maverick.'

As a dude who grew up on 80's action movies and likes things that are shitty and explosion-oriented in general, the word 'maverick' has had nothing but positive associations. Whether it was a cowboy who refused to bend in front of the crooked law or Mel Gibson turning over the ace of spades to win a game of riverboat poker against... the crooked law, a maverick has always been the kind of thing you want to be when you grow up. Mavericks don't shave. Mavericks never take out the trash or move the clothes from the washer to the dryer when the buzzer goes off. Mavericks just slap people and cuss. Real hardcore shit.

Now? A maverick is just a guy that has a moderate record on domestic spending and only votes with party leadership most of the time. Is that any sort of thing a dude might want to be when he grows up? Who is he slapping? The minority whip? Lame.

As a result, I've been compiling a list of terms that I'm going to send to the leaders of all parties in America and request that they never use them to brand any of their candidates.  So far, I've got Turbo, Ultra, Mega and Lone Wolf. If you ever hear about a candidate saying they'll fix the economy with Turbo Force, please let me know so I can send a cease and desist letter. I can't have Turbo going all maverick on me.

Another thing lost in the fire was the idea that shooting wolves from an airplane might be cool.

If I met a guy three months ago and was all, 'What's up, Ultra Warrior? How was your weekend,' and he was all, 'Pretty cool. I took my chopper up to the woods and shot wolves on the ground through a sniper rifle,' I would have been slapping that guy so many high fives that his fingers would have started falling off. After about an hour, I'd have had to settle for slapping him high threes.

Now, after having seen a Youtube video that actually depicts wolves being shot from airplanes and seeing how goddamned awful it is when it happens in real life, I'm forced to re-evaluate my stance on the matter. Here's hoping no future vice presidential candidates are ever accused of walking into a room and beating up a gang of ninjas, followed by me having to watch a real video where real ninjas are beaten within inches of their innocent ninja lives while their ninja wives and children are looking on through a window and screaming out in desperation and a voice-over guy talks about the effects this beating will have on the already fragile martial arts ecosystem. Who needs that shit?