This past weekend, I flew a couple thousand miles from Arizona to Florida for, of all things, a fantasy football draft.
I readily acknowledge that this was a stupid thing to do. Gasoline is expensive, plane tickets are expensive, fantasy football is a nerdy way to spend a weekend, the internet exists and keeps people from having to do these things in person and, according to the news, when there's a tropical storm forming, the best thing to do is fly away from it and not directly into the disaster zone.
(Here's a picture of my hand looking like a butt in the Florida airport.)
Since I had to convince myself that this would be an educational trip in order to allow myself to go through with it, here's a handy list of everything that I learned on my trip:
1.) In the Atlanta airport, there's a jewelry store. Noteworthy because, while you may struggle to get up every morning and drive yourself to your mindfuck of a 9 to 5 every day for what you consider to be little to no money, consider this...
Every day in Georgia, a guy wakes up, takes a shower, combs his long European hair, puts on a high class outfit, drives his Chevy Aveo to the Atlanta airport, then tries to convince customers that, despite the fact that they are 30 feet away from a Krystal Hamburger shop and just walked out of a bathroom where a guy who looks like homeless Willem Dafoe threw up all over their shoes, he is selling them the finest jewelry $80 can buy in between flights. Then, after that guy gets laughed at for the 30th time of the day, he gets to drive home to his house in Georgia, cry when he realizes that, yes, he lives in Georgia, then read on the internet about how much of a shit job he has from smart asses like me.
2.) If you're driving around Florida, signs with purple neon around them are advertising strippers. I'm not sure if there was a big stripper meeting where everyone decided that purple neon was the official trademark of titty-shops everywhere, but it's a pretty conssitent convention. Do with that information what you will.
3.) If you're on a plane and you don't want the person next to you to chat with you, the jedi mind trick works. Just concentrate on keeping that person silent, and every time they turn to talk to you, they'll immediately get the urge to turn away and say nothing. It also helps if, while you're concentrating, you make a really mean face like you're trying to burn a hole through their skull with your eyes. That really pushes the mind trick over the edge.
4.) You can't get an STD by watching the same football game on TV in a sports bar as a guy who obviously has over 300 STDs.
5.) Oh, here's one... people in Florida must be idiots. The condo I stayed in had a lake in the back near an area with medium-sized grass. Near the water, there was a sign that said "Beware of alligators." Sounds like something you'd want to do, right?
About 3 feet away from that sign? Another sign that said "No swimming." Really? So there are folks out there that thought, "Well, there are alligators I'll have to avoid. I guess I'd better just keep this swim short."? That happened enough times for the property owners to need a second sign?
6.) After enough beers, I'm the kind of guy that runs outside into the grass looking for alligators to fight. Clearly I require supervision.
7.) No matter how enlightened we get, people are still going to be racist. On my flight back to Arizona, I was seated next to a gentleman of Middle Eastern descent. It happens, right?
The folks all around, one-by-one, gave me little glances and nods as if to say, "Hey... if something jumps off, you know what you've got to do." Even the flight crew, when they came around to offer me snacks for $2, gave me slow, knowing looks with raised eyebrows as if they're asking me to report back the findings of my investigation to that point. Was the guy going to kill us? Was I going to be quick enough to take him down if he did?
And after a while, I was convinced that I needed a plan. Everybody else thought this guy might be up to some shit. What would I do if it turned out that he was? In my left pocket, I had some Trident gum, but, since it wasn't a real trident, I was at a loss for weapons. Could I tighten his seatbelt to the point of submission? Could I choke him out with the cord from my earbuds? Could I get the guy in front of him to recline his seat a few inches and cripple the guy from the waist down? Could I use the moves I learned from these dudes to bring his ass to justice?
So, yeah, I'm a racist.
8.) Flying to Florida for a fantasy draft is retarded.
