Last night was American Idol Eve, which means the kids left out plates of cookies for Simon Cowell and sang Idol carols to each other. Always an exciting time in the house.
Naturally, I had to fuck it up.
You know how, as a dad-type character, you pretty much spend 80% of your life hoping you don't do something to fuck your kids up? Well, last night, I'm giving the girls baths and, as tends to happen on these occasions, I'm doing some singing. And since there's only so much "Row Row Your Boat" a man can stand, I'm making some stuff up. And I have no idea how this happened.
Dad: "Giving you a bath... yeah... giving you a bath...!"
Kids: *splash splash*
Dad: "Oh yeeeaah..."
Kids: "*splish splash*
Dad: "You're a naked baby in a freaky naked scene... freaky naked baby in a naked magazine...!"
Kids: "........."
Dad: "oh..... shit... Did I... just.... oh...."
Kids: "What's a naked magazine?"
Yeah, completely inappropriate. And it's not like the radio. I can't just use the 7 second delay to bleep that shit out. They get to hang on to that one forever. A little gift, albeit way out of line, from me to them.
Anyway, I had more to write, but I'm feeling lazy, so instead of writing it, I'll just write the notes that I had scribbled for them. Feel free to extrapolate them and make up your own little stories. I can't hold your hand through this. I've got shit to do.
- I'd be a lazy rapper, songs with all words censored, leave in "motherfucker" just to let them know I'm hardercore
- Driving behind 3 bad drivers, one no signal b/c she's using her left hand to count years as a coke addict, one allergic to gas pedal, common sense and courtesy, one texting the one in the front about whether or not she can score her any coke
- could be one of those guys that has way too much money and gets massages 4 times a week? Could I be the guy that grows out a ponytail and wears a karate shirt like it's a real shirt and nobody's going to know the difference? Could I be the guy that talks a lot about how much fresh fruit I eat every day while pouring myself a protein shake?
- The guy that invented "Kate and Allie" was a lazy show namer. Even lazier? "Kath and Kim".
4 comments:
That dude's outfit is what it would be like if Takeshi Kaga tried out for American Idol. (And the Chairman can sing, so he'd be a lock to win except for that whole professional thing.)
Not only is it lazy, the "___ & ___" show names are too easy to get confused. It wasn't until I looked up Kate & Allie to refresh my memory on something that I realized that I thought you were talking about Cagney & Lacey, but I guess neither Kate nor Allie were cops.
The song, though...Yeah, you just have to hope it's too early for that to stick in their memories permanently. It could have been worse, though. You could have explained the magazine or shown them one.
A rap song with every word censored would sound like the version of Too Short and Ice Cube doing "Ain't Nothin' But A Word To Me" on the copy of Short Dog's In The House that I bought at Wal-Mart when I was a kid. Unlike every other song on the tape, they used actual beeps to censor each word. I had no idea what half the lyrics of the song were. The irony of the whole thing is much clearer now that I'm older.
I feel like the internet must be broken. I was the only one that commented and there's no post-Idol post? Not even about Sexual Chocolate?
Dude. Kate and Allie? I can't even remember the last time I thought about that show.
I guess that's why I keep coming back for more.
- could be one of those guys that has way too much money and gets massages 4 times a week? Could I be the guy that grows out a ponytail and wears a karate shirt like it's a real shirt and nobody's going to know the difference? Could I be the guy that talks a lot about how much fresh fruit I eat every day while pouring myself a protein shake?
I think it sounds like you wanna be a guy on a VH-1 Celebreality show.
Not even about Sexual Chocolate?
Is he worth a mention? I don't recall him being worth a mention. Is anybody yet really worth a mention? I'm unconvinced of any mention worthyness here!
If anybody's doing any mentioning of Sexual Chocolate it should only be in regards to Coming to America. You can't call yourself Sexual Chocolate and then not carry a microphone around to throw down as you walk away proudly. That dude missed a totally perfect opportunity to do just that. OH! Now I'm disgusted.
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