Walls Are Closing Oh Well Things Never

You know how on TV shows, somebody will be thinking about something, then lay on their pillow, close their eyes and immediately be dreaming about it seconds later? I can do that. I do this frequently.

The other day I was in bed with a bad cold and dozed off watching cheesy alien movies on Sci Fi. Within moments, I was having the "I'm in a sci fi movie" dream. It was trippy. And absurdly awesome. If there was a way I could pre-program that dream into my head every night, I'd do it.

(A way, of course, that doesn't require me going to bed wearing the Lazer Tag accessory kit and a pair of shiny silver pants.)

I could tell it was a sci fi movie because everything I did was overanalyzed and speculated upon by nerds. If I opened a door, I could hear somebody whispering about how the logo on the door was the same logo that was on a portal that Loki and the Giants used to try to enter Valhalla. It was all very annoying. Can't I just open a door?

Also, there were lasers. Lots of lasers. For no reason. Everything looked like a music video from 1984. But here's the strange part. Every time I answered my phone (which happened frequently), I'd say, "Mulder. No... wait... I'm not Fox Mulder. Why do I keep saying this?"

I think that means I was Fox Mulder.

(Side note: If I was a slightly gayer version of myself, I'd be into David Duchovny. And in my fantasies, he'd come to my house to hang out with me. And when it was bedtime, he'd say, "Alright, I'm just gonna go crash on the couch. I know we're gay, but that doesn't mean we have to have sex or anything." And I'd say, "That's really cool of you, David. Even though I'm gay, I'm still kinda grossed out by gay sex." Then the next day, we'd go get breakfast.)

(Side note to the side note: I can't say all gay sex is gross though. I've had a lot of gay experiences with myself and, by and large, they've been pleasant. I'd imagine gay sex with another guy, however, would be less than stellar.)

This is unrelated to everything, but it bears mentioning... I think if you lined up every person on earth and placed them in order of who the best drummers are, I'd be all the way in the back.

I'm pretty sure if an 8 year old girl had a drum off with me, she'd put me to shame. It doesn't make any sense either. I'm a fairly rhythmic guy. I know how drums work. I've danced in public to moderate success. I just... I just can't play a drum kit to save my life.

You know what? That didn't really bear mentioning. This post is going nowhere.

Okay... let's say you're a car salesman. Why would you get up in the morning before you go to work, slick back your hair and generally make yourself look like a greasy, sleazy type of guy? Don't you think you'd sell more cars if you weren't the guy that looks like he's fast talking you even if he's actually offering you a great deal? Wouldn't it be easier if you dressed up like the waiter at the Mexican restaurant that tells you to go with the fajitas because they're excellent instead of the burrito because it's too much food for one meal? That guy seems pretty likeable and trustworthy. I'd buy a car from him. Yet every car salesman I've ever met always looks like he's related to Snidely Whiplash.

That didn't help. I'm pulling the plug on this one early.