Don't Think Knows What He's Oh

I always feel like I have to get on here to tell the internet that I'm not dead. Does that say more about my false sense of obligation to lurkers despite my eternal hate for them or does it say more about my life, considering the notion that I could randomly wind up dead doesn't seem out of the ordinary to me.

I curse thee bacon. A pox on thy delicious house. Thy rasher of unholy goodness lay me thy behest.

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I don't really curse bacon. It's given me so much. Mainly breakfast, but a lot of breakfast. And good breakfast.

So, I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and he was trying to convince me to go to a drag show with him because drag shows are hilarious.

At this point of the story, you know two things. One, my friend is not a girl, since I called him a "he," and, two, my friend is totally gay because he said a drag show is hilarious.

After I explained to him that straight dudes don't typically find drag amusing, he looked at me with an odd expression like I just said "Don't give up on it - I feel like Friendster could still make a comeback."

Then a female friend who was refusing to mind her business chimed in saying something you're possibly thinking if you're a woman or a gay dude. "But, it is hilarious! People cross dressing! Singing campy tunes! Strutting around fiercely! Being glamourous! What's wrong with you!?"

Then, yet another guy (are you keeping up?) joined in echoing my statements.

So, it occurred to me that this may not be written anywhere on the internet, and it's time for me to say it.  Look.... drag? I hear you. I understand what you're saying. I get where you're going with this. But? Dudes don't find it funny. I don't care if it's Jim Gaffigan dressed up in a slinky dress doing his routine about how ridiculous camping is. Drag is not funny to a straight dude.

Now, a brief FAQ.

"But you're just homophobic!"

Stop it. Stop it right now. Just stop this.

"So you're telling me that RuPaul isn't funny? And you're telling me that...."

Again, stop this. Drag is not funny to straight dudes.

"I don't know what's wrong with you."

I dunno. Maybe I'm not gay or a lady?

"But how can you just say..."

Stop it. I'm shutting you down before you start.

"Aren't you generalizing a bit?"

Yes. Yet, I remain correct.

"My boyfriend is a straight guy and he totally finds drag funny."

There's a lie being told here. Either you're lying to me in the FAQ, your boyfriend is lying to you about whether he likes drag or every time he fucks you, he kinda throws up in his mouth a little, then tells you it was great.

"You're a dick."

The last two weren't even in question form. I think we're done here.

Side note... I've got to be in San Francisco by myself for about 12 hours tomorrow evening. I've never been there and I don't like drag. Any suggestions about what I can do?

"You can go fuck yourself."

I said the FAQ is over!