I watched the Ten Commandments with my mom this weekend for the 1,228th time, which means two things:
1.) I, apparently, had 4 hours to kill on something I had no desire to do. Who knew?
2.) In 4 hours, I can safely drink about 9 beers and completely neglect 2 children.
Anyway, during the course of the movie, my mind wandered quite a bit and, as a result, I've added 3 impressions to my Twitter-borne Henny Youngman resume.
The first is a fish that happened to be swimming in the Red Sea when Moses parts it. Ready?
"What the fuck?!!?"
There you go. The second is a horse in the pharoah's army when he's halfway across the sea and the water starts pouring back in.
"What the fuck?!!?"
Wait... that one has more.
"I could probably swim out of this if I wasn't wearing iron armor for no reason. Do you think pharoah knows we were going to fight tired slaves who had towels as weaponry?"
Almost done.
"You know... the guy made a giant pillar of fire a few minutes ago. I'm a horse and I knew this was a bad idea."
And the ending.
"Glug glug. Whinny. Neigh. Glug."
Last impression. A guy at the foot of Mount Sinai dancing and drinking in revelry because he decided to worship the golden calf in the 18 minutes that Moses was gone right after Moses comes back to destroy the idol.
"Look... look.... can we talk about this? I know he's just a golden calf that we seriously invented ourselves a few hours ago because we needed something to worship and you weren't here, but this Baal god? He's got some good ideas. First of all, flat tax and a return to fiscal responsibility. No... no... wait... seriously... hear me out! It's not just because I was sucking 3 women's breasts a minute ago! I really"
That is all.
4 comments:
Really? The 10 Commandments? Really?
It's my Henny Youngman. Anything more recent than 1957 would be historically inaccurate.
You took it to a new level breaking down what a horse was thinking as the Red Sea started to close back up...I always thought only of the humans. Now I am REALLY depressed because you know an animal isn't able to be all, "Shit. I'm gonna drown in a few minutes." The animal is purely thinking, "I'm walking, I'm walking, I'm trotting, wait, that was a sharp poke so I am gonna start moving faster, ummm, where did that heaviness go? Oh. *breath* Ugh *lungs filling* Hhhhhhmmmmmmm..."
In other words: helpless. And there is nothing worse than helpless, Maine!
Online impressions. How about that.
I have never seen The Ten Commandments, I just live 'em.
Word.
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