I was recently told that I should have a Twitter account. Instead of doing that, I've decided I'm just going to list everything that I would have tweeted, had I actually signed up, before I eventually quit. I'm a time saver. It's my one skill. Ahem...
I'm on Twitter. Whose idea was this?
Rascall Flatts is not beloved by all. You're wrong, Gokey!
What the fuck is a 'followers'?
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
I typed 10 of those and got tired.
I like pastrami, but corned beef gets a bad rap.
Speaking of bad rap, Sir Mix A Lot's My Posse on Broadway.
There is no I in skating. Fuck, hold on...
There are no R's in are. Arrrgh!
Sometimes I think I should think sometimes.
That was a Sarah Palindrome. Half-assed, yet almost impressive.
This whole tweet thing is very gimmicky.
Does having zero followers mean I win? Because I fuckin win.
Those Sonic commercials are underrated. Americans have awful taste.
There are 2 i's in Wii but... only one fucking controller.
Wii Play was not worth it. Lazer pong? Wii regret buying it.
There are no z's in lazerz.
Gary Sinise is the only Gary I like. Eat it, Gary Cole.
Billy Crudup is the only Crudup I like. Eat it... Billy Crudup's dad.
Wii Fit that balance board on a shelf where Wii could forget it exists.
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
My 'fuck' stamina is increasing.
I'd tell you all my ATM PIN, but it's got more than 160 digits in it.
I have 1 follower now. I think it's my mom.
I always take my vitamins and never eat refined sugar.
Sometimes I think the world just needs more hugging.
I'm going to the park this weekend and reading a book to a stranger.
Whew, my mom is gone. Anybody got any vicodin?
There is no I in vicodin. Pass that shit. I got a bad back or something.
I've been doing this for a day. I should be better at it by now.
If you've never masturbated while watching CNN, then... you're not me.
There is, ironically, no I in masturbate. But there is an m and an e.
And a 'bat'. But only if you're a lady.
And you're on that website I go to sometimes.
There is no I in lady, and that's the problem. Ba dum bum!
I'm reduced to using Twitter for Henny Youngman jokes.
I think I'm done with this thing. It's been real.
11 comments:
Brilliant.
Those Sonic commercials are definitely overratred but you know who else is? Gary effin' Busey...that's who.
"Underrated"
Gary Busey is the only Busey I like. And, yes, I'm looking squarely at Jake on this one.
I do not see the fascination with Twitter. Who the fuck cares what other people are doing, thinking, writing ALL FUCKING DAY LONG!?!?
There's no U in April, but there should be. Ba dum CHING!
April....
*scared to respond*
I find myself being amused that you knew the proper use of the words "tweet" and "tweeted." Yup. I am.
*walks away to giggle and to possibly listen to Posse on Broadway*
I used to think it was ridiculous. Who cares what I'm doing all day?
Then I tweeted all night when my wife was in labor. My parents and my friends were psyched to get frequent updates. And I didn't have to call or text anyone in particular. I just sorta put it out there.
Now I'm back to twittering about how much I hate Comcast. I'm back to the "no one cares" stage.
And Danny Gokey's a dopey asshole.
I am seriously proud of myself for resisting facebook and twitter. I don't care who knows it.
Andrea,
I'm required to know these things by my employers. I'm also required to mentally scoff at your taste in rap music.
Jason,
The first time, I appointed a liaison. I just called her, gave her the updates and it was her job to tell everyone else what was going on. The second time, I just called my mom when it was over. I'm low tech, baby.
Randi,
And here I thought you had low will power.
Posse on Broadway isn't a good rap. I know this, but it doesn't stop me from having fun listening to it. Same goes for Square Dance Rap.
Also, I would think that "Speaking of bad rap" would be a great opportunity to make a joke about Eminem's comeback album.
I like corned beef. My biggest problem with it is that it's made from beef brisket which should have been barbecued instead. This is especially a problem for me when I want to make brisket, since almost all I can find in our grocery stores here is already corned. I could but that and smoke it, but then it's pastrami. Yes, I think about this too much.
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