Please note - this is not one of those show recaps you'll find all over the internet. Those people get paid to do this. Consider this a one-sided conversation about a shitty TV show that you're allowed to participate in on some awkward level. Feel free to chat back to your computer screen all you' like. I'll pretend to hear you and everything.
- Crystal Bowersox is first and she's fresh out of the hospital. I learned one important thing from that whole ordeal. Chronic Ugliness is something that occasionally merits an emergency room visit. DJ Qualls had better pay up that Cobra account.
- Randy decided to wear a sweater from the Fred Rogers collection tonight. If he ends up having a conversation with Trolley later, this show will make my night.
- Kara Dioguardi is really ramping up the hetero factor this season. It's like she's afraid Ellen will gay the show down, so she spends half the show in Simon's lap giggling like a tart. I'm not into this, surprisingly.
- Crystal Bowersox has a twin? Somebody needs to put a "condemned" sign over her mother's crotch. You can't produce that much ugliness and stay in business.
- She sings a CCR song. Lovely and predictable. Meanwhile, I'd love it if Fox ran an online poll right now asking if people at home would rather wake up and see her in their bed or John Fogerty. This would give me the giggle.
- Song's over and I don't give a shit. We're on beer #2, FYI.
- Kara is a one person circle jerk. I couldn't like hearing her speak less.
- Haeley Vaughn - I like her. I really do. So much that I'm going to try and get through this without ragging on her massive upper lip. I'm gonna try, man.
- Aw... this is sweet. A Miley Cyrus song. And she and her lip are going to perform it as a duo.
- (Dammit.)
- This song is trite. Or do I mean tripe? Possibly triple?
- Hey, Simon properly used the word "irony" on TV. I'm impressed.
- Lacey Brown is the definition of non-descript. Hearing her talk reminds me of every failed converstion I've ever had with a nothing person in my life. "Oh, you like apples too? Yeah. I'm gonna go do something else for a while."
- She chose to sing the exact song they suggested? So, she actually has zero personality. Makes sense.
- If I was paying any less attention to this performance, you could confuse it with my 401k. I'd rather listen to someone talk about Lost for an hour.
- Simon is SHOCKED to hear people boo him and his opinion. Shocked!! I'm on beer #3.
- Alright, I'll say it. Katie Stevens is the whitest person in the state of Connecticut. If she chooses a Billy Joel song sometime this season, don't expect a lot of confusion on my part.
- I'm a racist.
- Ellen says "be younger" and "it sounds like something I'd hear in my dentist's office." Here's a translation for you, dear. "Maybe black it up a little? At least go for hispanic. Nobody outside of New England wants to hear your Perry Como standards."
- Didi Benami decides to sing Bill Withers. Alright... Katie Stevens? Take notes. I'm sure there's a Lou Rawls song out there with your name on it.
- I enjoyed this "Lean on Me" song. I don't always understand the judges. They're so judgemental.
- Seeing her tear up after the judges' pummeling made my daughter cry. Thanks, guys. I've got some hugging to do.
- Michelle decides to throw caution to the wind and sing a Creed song. Wow. Even Creed doesn't like singing Creed songs.
- This is mediocre. Scott Stapp is at home mumbling, "She should have covered something by Staind."
- I'm getting texts right now from all my friends who think I'm a dork for watching Idol. This performance justifies their disdain for the show. A disdain that, apparently, didn't keep them from watching it and texting me tonight.
- While the judges ream the performance, the guys from Creed are all calling each other to make sure nobody is secretly planning a reunion tour.
- Kara is redefining hyperbole tonight. Her self-congratulatory bullshit mumbo jumbo is making me hate music.
- Lily Scott.... I... er.... she's lucky this show doesn't drug test.
- She's singing something and, while I ignore it, I'm trying to decide whether she smells like patchouli, incense or both.
- Katelyn's up and I'm already bored before she even starts to sing.
- And she's singing Coldplay. I'm even boreder.
- The Scientist. Wow. I was pushing it with boreder. is boredest a word? Even Gwyneth Paltrow is at home flipping channels right now.
- Glad that's over. She makes Barbra Streisand seem metal by comparison.
- Paige says she likes to color. Wow, so do my daughters! Except my daughters and 2 and 4.... not 24. We may have identified the issue.
- This show has bored me into apathy. If this performance was first, I might have given a shit. Plus, y'know, beer.
- I believe that, if she could, Kara would grow a penis and learn to suck herself off. That's how into herself she is. Please muzzle this woman.
- Siobhan is a nerd. Let's not mince words here. A flat out nerd. Before this season is over, she's going to perform the theme to Golden Girls in perfect Kling'on. I'd be willing to place money on her having an Ant Man tattoo somewhere.
- And, easily, the best of the night. Viva nerds.
